Accept certain inalienable truths

I have suddenly realised at the age of 21 that I perhaps no little to nothing, while that may be a somewhat bewildering thought iv gotton a great amount off comfort from the fact I have so much left to learn, left to do, to see.

I never wear sunscreen perhaps if I only learned this then I would know more...... well according to the rhetoric of Baz Luhrmann anyway.

Iv realised how much I spend my time worrying lately. I worry im not good enough, I worry that maybe il be alone, I worry that il never make, I worry that il be used, I worry il never fall in love I worry that sometimes maybe im not happy at all as hard as I try to be.

As cliched as it sounds after listening to Sunscreen Im feeling a little more positive. I think it takes a certain amount of pride to let go of the control. The control to be worried or stressed to know how your feeling, perhaps the hardest thing one can do is let go to free fall into an empty chasm where you cant see the end.

I always read the last chapter of a book before I begin it...it took me ahwile to figure out why I do this...it only struck me lately that its because I find it hard not to know what lies ahead. It kills me when someone wont let me know whats going to happen at the end of a film or a book.

Iv found recently im not sure what im doing but perhaps my biggest mistake is not enjoying where I am right now. Sure my dreams may never come true but at the end of the day accomplishing them will never come from a place where im too scared to try.

Im protective off my heart to the point of being cold. When you think about it it doesnt make sense to be so guarded, to want to be closed off too afraid to break. It will always be greater to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. I guess as hard as I want to live a fast paced life, my real dream is to have a family and good friends. I always scorn those who wear their heart on their sleeve yet at the same time I admire the vunerability and the courage to recognise your feelings and to be ok with that.

I get jealous. I hide my real feelings under a guise of criticism but really what other people do doesnt bother me, it only bothers me that I havnt experienced that yet.

Perhaps Luhrmann said it best "dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance so are everyone elses" life experience is the only way one can get from the idle panickings of of a 21 one year old to the life lessons of a 60 year old.

I think its about time i started wearing sunscreen.